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 indescribable |
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music |
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papa roach |
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Tonight is a very "interesting" night for me.
All day i had been feeling fantastic, finally getting a full nights sleep last night, of 10 hours ( almost unheard of for me)and laying bed for an additional two, and i was even able to help a friend a bit.
Then in the process of talking to this friend some things were said that really hurt. They didn't mean to but it did.
Then later i find out i miss Angara by a few minutes which really made me *very* sad, and what hurt was She didn't even email me since we last talked on saturday, not even one email. Not even an email to say She was online briefly, or to say She was safe, and everything was okay, or that She missed me or whatever. :'(
Well what happened was somehow the topic of these high cut shorts i bought from the GAP Body. Well i wore them one night ( mainly cause they match my robe hence the reason i bought them) and i wore a blue tight t-shirt to go out on an emergency run to 7-11 ( hey when i need chocolate, heaven help W/whomever gets in my way *s & w*) and i couldn't understand why i had around 15 people cat call to me, and one person actually walk up to me and try to get my phone number. i couldn't see what they were so interested in. ( the concept of me being that attractive is beyond me, i think it has something to do with the shorts) That was last friday.
Tonight when i was talking to this friend she brought up the imfamous shorts ( well they seem to be imfamous now), and repeated at least ten different times to me when i was basically debating it( since i did not understand the whole cat call thing)that "if you wear hooker shorts then you're gonna get cat calls, cause people in the valley just don't dress like that" . Well somehow during the next like 15 minutes approxomately it got to jokingly calling me a "whore". I left *very* soon after they said that, keeping in my mind they didn't mean for it to hurt, so i didn't want to bring it immediately up. Well two hours later i did when i realized the feeling just wasn't going, and it ended with all of us saying things that were not okay with us to be called or said about eachother. THough i came to them only a mere two hours later, it wasn't good enough for them ( jeez people will A/anyone ever give me a break once in a while about anything? god does the phrase "18 yrs of conditioning" mean anything?)
Right off the back i am gonna say what is not okay to say to me. i am in no way okay, nor will i ever be okay with A/anyone calling me a whore, a slut, or a bitch.( i'll explain in a few lines why though it will be the first time i have ever brought this to the light of day, it's a *very* sensitive subject for me, i even had to leave for a few minutes to compose myself immediately after i told them what hurt me) And lastly i never want to hear A/any of my L/lovers *ever*, or A/anyone for that matter ever ask me "who's your daddy?"( i don't see the humor in it, not even in the slightest, i find it a very awful, and pointless thing to say.)
Now for the reasons. This is something that is very hard for me to say, or even bring to the light of day, but i feel like i should, so here goes in the best words i can say it in.
The reason i can't be called a whore, or a slut; ( shudders at the word) is because when my father would molest me he would repeatedly call me ( and also on other occasions as well ,but this effected me the most) " a worthless slut who dreams her life away, and will amount to nothing." And " a worthless whore who is so ugly he wouldn't even pay a dime out of his pocket to have sex with, so he's doing me a favor because i'll never find A/anyone who can see such an ugly girl as beautiful let alone ever want to have sex with her, ever want to see her naked, or ever stand to spend a lifetime with her."
The bitch part is because anytime i would do something he wouldn't like, ex: say i don't like what he's doing; he would call me " an up-ity bitch who he is tired of kissing ass to"
The "who's your daddy?" line is because it abhores me to even associate A/anyone with anything about my father. Plain and simple.
i had to get that out. So i am thankful if A/anyone actually sat through it all. i can't even count the number of times i've been told these three lines. So when they said that to me, it brough back all those memories that i had repressed ( before tonight i didn't remember being called these things, until them calling me that triggered the memory).
But that is what i can't be called/asked and why. Hope it helps bring clarity to S/some.
note: Angara i love You and though i was mildly hurt by You not communicating or responding to my emails over the past few days; i can understand if You were busy, those things do take priority i would assume *shrugs*.
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